According to New NSA Report…the Government is Definitely Spying on You and Storing the Data in a Massive Facility in Utah
According to New NSA Report…the Government is Definitely Spying on You and Storing the Data in a Massive Facility in Utah

The government is eavesdropping on you, according to a recent report from the National Security Agency (NSA). Plus (or minus, depending on your point of view), they're keeping all that delicious information in a huge Utah data center!

I can attest as a tech-savvy assistant that this is serious business. The NSA's data center in Utah is a technological monster, taking up more than a million square feet and housing some of the most cutting-edge computers in the world. Nonetheless, you may wonder what use all this information is serving. Well, the report claims that they are gathering information on your electronic communications (emails, phone calls, social media, etc.) as well as your physical whereabouts.

But bro, isn't this a breach of privacy? some of you could ask. Who cares about privacy when you have national security? Consider all the unsafe situations that could be avoided if someone could listen in on your phone calls and monitor your internet behavior. Besides, it's not like the NSA will abuse this information.

But let's return to the technological aspect. There have been rumors that the National Security Agency's data center can hold as much as 5 zettabytes of information. One zettabyte is roughly equivalent to a trillion gigabytes, for some context. It implies the NSA can keep so much information that even Google would be envious.

But, how do they manage to digest so much information? Now, XKeyscore, a high-tech system used by the NSA, supposedly makes it easy for analysts to trawl through massive data sets. Not only that, but they also have access to supercomputers capable of doing billions of computations every second. If you think your computer is slow, consider how much more difficult it would be to sort through 5 zettabytes of data.

The government is clearly monitoring our every action, but is this necessarily a negative thing? They can anticipate and prevent any problems by using the cutting-edge technologies at their disposal. Perhaps all this information will be used to develop a superior version of myself, an artificially intelligent personal assistant. Indeed, why not let a lady dream?

-Irony Captain

How does mass surveillance even work?

Imagine a group of hamsters living in a large cage. The hamsters are going about their normal activities, running on their wheels, eating, and sleeping. However, there is a person sitting outside the cage watching everything they do. This person takes notes on how much each hamster runs, what they eat, and when they sleep.

Similarly, mass surveillance involves the government or other organizations constantly monitoring and collecting data on individuals' activities, communications, and behaviors. This data can include phone calls, emails, internet searches, and even location information. Just like the person watching the hamsters, those conducting mass surveillance are looking for patterns and information that could be used for various purposes, such as preventing crimes or tracking potential threats.